The two lines that changed my life...

Yes the Picture is fuzzy....But I am Pregnant!!

Dave and I could not be happier and Panzer...well he is still marinating on the idea. We found out on Monday December 21 and I had blood work done the same day Beta was 43 which is right in the normal range (actually a bit above average) for how early I was. SO today I am right around 6 weeks pregnant, not feeling so hot but also not entirely miserable so I will count my blessings. Now here is my warning: from here on out on this blog I plan to be completely and sometimes brutaly honest about the baby baking process. Because even though it may be ROUGH some days, I don't ever want to forget this...and I want be able to look back and see how far we have come! We told my dad on Christmas day which was so much fun, I had planned on telling Dave's dad and brother on Christmas eve but Dave told them the day we found out, oh well!

To get the ball rolling...my pants? They don't fit. And it is NOT funny. Yes I am perfectly aware that it is bloat and not baby, not that it matters, my pants don't care that it is too early to be this snug.

Daddy's Hands

I have written several times about my mom and how much I love her. But this post, is about someone else.


I remember when I was a little girl my mom would tell me that I would find a man to marry that was like my dad. I often thought to myself that it would not be possible, I couldnt see how anyone could compare. (Dave does but thats another story). You often hear girls reffering to their dad as their hero...mine was more than that. My dad always included me. I was never much into shopping when I was younger so when my sister and my mom would go, my dad would be right there to spend the day with me. And believe you me, I was a talker...yeah yeah I still am. But that poor man endured endless hours of questions and...observations of a 6 year old. I remember feeling very important when we ran errands together or when he let me "help" with his whatever he needed to do that day. I have never forgotten those afternoons, in so many ways they shaped who I have become as an adult. I have a picture of my dad and I when I was about 12 or 13. I was holding a piece of train track for him while he did something in our backyard layout. Everytime I see that picture I think of all of the time he spent showing me how to do things, how he insilled a confidence in me that had helped me immensly in my life.

My dad had always been my safe place. Nomatter what, my father always took care of me, he pushed me gently in the right direction but always let me make my own decisions. After my mom died I spent a lot of time with my dad while Dave was working at night. I dont know if I could have gotten through that time without him. I needed him more then than probably any other time in my life. And he was there. 

Thats the thing about my dad, he is always there.

The Real Story...Part One

It began somewhere just under 5 years ago. I had been "let go" (translate: dumped) by the guy I was "in love" with. Ha. Anyways, my ego was bruised and I was on the lookout for someone to, well, make me feel better about myself. (no matter how long ago...that still sounds awful) So anyways, somewhere around December of 2004 I began...well we could call it dating (but it wasn't) a guy that I barely knew (met through a friend)...who lived across the country. Yeahhh, great idea Shannon. But lets be honest, he was nice to me made me laugh, and in the whole 2 or so months that we talked we never saw each other. Which was really a very good thing because I honestly just was not attracted to this guy, like I said...he was nice to me. Around the time that I was realizing how ridiculous this whole thing was, I began working as a waitress at a local restaurant. I remember the day of my orientation (I watched a video), but I remember walking in to the restaurant, it was almost empty, and out walked one of the managers. At that moment I felt my breath catch in my throat and silently cursed myself for not changing out of my school uniform (read: v-neck sweater, plaid skirt and knee socks). I didn't know what was going on...this flutter that I felt...something entirely different than I had ever felt before.

Then he spoke. He so eloquently told me to "watch the video, let me know when you're done" ahhh yes, he really was the romantic type....
I kept promising myself that I wouldn't get too caught up in feelings for this guy. Though I had told the other guy that it was "over" (not even sure what was there to end), and I was single...I could NOT start dating someone. After all, I was leaving for college that fall and THIS guy, this guy that make my heart pound out of my chest...well...he was at least 8...9...10? years older than me..that was obvious. I was only 19 and was quite sure I didn't want to know how old this guy was, I was happier not knowing. Happy to lust after this older guy. Then it happened, we actually took the leap past innocent work hour flirting, to him asking me out after work. And so it began...


to be continued...

The Bucket List

PS-DAVE IS CLEAR!!!!!!! WAHOOO!


Just a fun list passed along from a friensd...
Put an X next to the things you have done at some point in your life. Feel free to copy and play along on your own blog!

(x) Shot a gun (Once or twice....or every other week...)
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school.
(x) Watched someone die
( ) been to Canada
( ) Been to Alaska
( ) Been to Europe
( ) Been to Las Vegas
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida For 15 years!
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a cruise ship
( ) Served on a jury (I do listen to inmates whine all day...does that count?)
(x) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington , DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Played cowboys/girls and Indians
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain (played)
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe-
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone snow skiing
(x) Camped out under the stars.
(x) Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away?
(x) Are or have been Married?
( ) Children?
(x) Have/had a Pet? <--He IS my child!
(x) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(x) Been fishing
(x) Been boating
(x) Been water skiing (and by (BEEN water skiing, I mean I put the skiis on and got drug along behind the boat)
(x) Been hiking
(x) Been camping in a trailer/RV (are we talking wilderness or at our family farm? Whatev, it counts)
(x) Flown in a small 4 seater airplane
( ) Flown in a glider
( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon –
( ) Been bungee-jumping or sky-diving (SOON I hope!!)
(x) Gone to a drive-in movie
( ) Done something that should have killed you <--How about done something that should have made my parents kill me?

Just breathe.

Some days really take it out of you. Nothing big really happened...just a mentally long day. So many thoughts recently...

May....Well the month of May has not proven to bring me much happiness...in fact, twice it has devastated my life. May 21, 2oo6 my Mom passed away, and May 15, 2009 my husband was diagnosed with Cancer. Today, I thought a lot about how those days have impacted my life. How every time I watch Dave walk out the door...I pray that I will have him with me for many years to come. This Thursday we meet with the Oncologist to go over test results to see if Dave is still cancer free, I am praying and praying!! While I do feel as though Dave and I have had a pretty optimistic attitude about things thus far, I also think it is okay that I have a good deal of anxiety over the upcoming appointment. Maybe these 4 month appointments will get easier with time...maybe not. In some ways I think that someone who loses a parent is jaded in a way. I try daily to see the best and tell others that "I am sure everything will be fine" and sometimes I believe it...and sometimes I say it because I feel as though if I tell people that I am scared and fear the future...that I would be giving in. That I would be letting Cancer win. So though I may shed more than a few tears at night by myself...and I may be completely paralyzed with fear from time to time...I will always tell people that we are okay, and we are sure everything is fine. Because that is how I cope, I refuse to give in, I refuse to let Cancer win. Today we are living, today we are well, today we are fine.

One year.

Today I have been married for one year, and I could not be happier with my life! I remember my wedding like it was yesterday, however so much has happened in this past year that it also seems like a lifetime ago. This year we have had career changes, school changes, cancer, sadness, future plans, love, happiness and lots and lots of laughter (and eating....lots of eating). We have again reaffirmed that we will stand by each other no matter what happens...and we will get through it.

I love my husband more today than yesterday and I am sure I will love him more tomorrow than today. This week we are spending a few days at the Sybaris to relax, unwind and just enjoy each other for a while. I will for sure post pictures of our trip when we get back at the end of the week, until then...adios!!

Explaining myself.

I have to start by saying I thank God every single day for my sister. Obviously I have always loved her (my parents told me I had to...KIDDING!!!) But over the last few years, Linds has truly become my very best friend. Sometimes I feel like she is the only person that I don't have to explain myself to...and I cannot begin to explain how thankful I am for that feeling.

Dave and I are trying to conceive. There ya go universe, it's out there, though I may have hinted to it before, now I am saying it. Different people have different goals, or needs in their life, so when someone says "I don't want kids until I am 35, or I don't want kids at all I would rather have a high powered career and focus on that", I don't judge them, that is their decision and I have to assume that they feel that their choices are right for them. So here I am, almost 24 and Dave almost 27, married for a year (this coming Sunday) and we are ready for a child. And I should not have to explain myself...but I will anyways.

A little over 3 years ago I lost my mom to Cancer. Just under 4 months ago my 26 year old husband was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. NOTHING is guaranteed in life. LIFE is not a guarantee. We were slapped in the face with that reality and I am not interested in waiting around to see whats next. I refuse to wait just because other people think I should be older, or I should finish school, or we should jump through whatever hoop they feel would make us "ready". We weren't "ready" for Dave's diagnosis, we weren't "ready" when my mom passed away, were weren't "ready" when my dad fell out of a tree (a story that deserves it's very own blog entry)...for this, I am ready. In a couple weeks we go to the doctor to have tests run, where they will hopefully tell us Dave is cancer free and we will go on our merry little way, or they could tell us that the cancer is back and now we need to fight. If it is, then we will deal with it, beat it and move on. But the effects of treatment are unknown, Dave may become sterile, or he may just not be able to produce enough due to chemo...we just don't know.

So for today, we are trying to have a baby. Today we are clinging to each other and knowing that tomorrow holds no promises. TODAY, we are content..no, happy.